Healing Family of Origin Wounds: The Permissive Parent

What does the phrase “permissive parent” make you think of? I often think of Regina George’s mother from the film Mean Girls. Mrs. George provided her high school-aged daughter (and her friends) with adult beverages and made it her prerogative to be her daughter’s “bestie.” I’m also reminded of Lorelai Gilmore from the television series Gilmore Girls, as she repeatedly prioritized her daughter’s happiness over healthy and safe choices. A permissive parent is nurturing and provides love and care, but often avoids the more difficult aspects of parenting, like discipline, creating structure and boundaries, establishing rules, and setting safety limits. These parents are frequently seen by their children as equals, or even as BFFs. Of the four main parenting styles (authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved/neglectful), permissive parenting is defined by low demands and high responsiveness. While permissive parents are often likable, their children may struggle with low achievement, impulsivity, entitlement, poor decision-making, low tolerance for difficult emotions or situations, lack of self-regulation, poor peer relationships, and a general absence of boundaries. I love the biblical image of boundaries as seen in the symbolism of the shepherd and his sheep. 1 Peter 2:25 reads, “For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.” Just as the Apostle Peter writes, sheep stray. They have no sense of direction. With the wrong guidance, they can walk straight into danger. Sheep are also defenseless. Fluffy wool and strong kicks offer little protection against the stealth and sharpness of a wolf’s clasp. Therefore, sheep need both a fence and a shepherd in order to thrive. Our Heavenly Father, a.k.a. the Good Shepherd (John 10:14), graciously promises that “He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young” (Isaiah 40:11). God is the Good Shepherd who lovingly leads His flock. Likewise, parents are called to shepherd their children. “It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.” — Hebrews 12:7–11, ESV It can be hard to envision our own parents as kids. Believe it or not, your father didn’t always wear a tie and slacks, and your mother didn’t always sort the bills. Our parents came from homes and families of their own. They were once small, too, and had to make choices in response to their environments. Thought leader and author W. Clement Stone once said, “You are a product of your environment. So choose the environment that will best develop you toward your objective.” Children, however, do not yet have the power to choose their environments. They are forced by nature to react and respond in ways appropriate for survival in the situations they find themselves in. A common fear among permissive parents is that discipline will emotionally wound their children. To avoid this perceived harm, they may choose to give all grace and no truth, hoping to avoid hurt feelings. Sadly, this well-intentioned approach often leads to the opposite outcome. A lack of clear boundaries and expectations can result in insecure attachment in a child. While permissive parents aim to avoid causing harm, they may unintentionally create lasting issues that follow their children into adulthood. Maybe your parent(s) were constantly battling stinging words, accusatory tones, and rigid rules that made them feel like they had to walk on eggshells to avoid disrupting the peace. Or, maybe your parent(s) were left to fend for themselves by parents busied by work and play. Your parents’ life experiences color[ed] how they parent[ed] their own children. Reflect on what you know about your parents’ stories:

• Who were their parents?
• What were they like?
• What kind of environment did your dad grow up in? What about your mom?

We often become so focused on our own story that we neglect the details of the ones that shaped our own. The purpose of this reflection is to offer grace where it’s needed. Our parents are human, too. They didn’t get a trial run at life, just like we didn’t. There is often a reason why a parent becomes permissive – and understanding that context can help us better understand ourselves. Maybe your mother was a permissive parent, or maybe your best friend is currently choosing not to discipline their child. Whatever your reason for reading this post, know this: the Lord is the Good Shepherd who delights in protecting His children. If you would like to explore more about family of origin, check out the other blog posts on this topic! -Audrey Simpson – learn more about working with Audrey here!