Handling Grief at Christmas
For many people, Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Some of their most favorite memories from childhood happened at Christmas. I fall into that category; my mother always made Christmas special in our house. Thinking of her Christmas cookies, decorating the tree, hearing Christmas music on the stereo, going to the Candlelight Christmas Eve service as a family always warms my heart.
Yet Christmas is also a season of change. Life continues during the holiday season, and often involve tragedy, pain, and loss. Just in the last few weeks alone, my brother’s mother in law passed away. She was a family friend for over forty years. Seeing her always brought a smile to my face. We all will miss her this Christmas.
As we get older, families grow and change, which involves means the way we celebrate the holidays change. Some old traditions cease and new ones are made. Even the smallest changes in life can be difficult for people to accept, regardless of the time of year. During the holidays it is especially important to approach our feelings of loss in a healthy and helpful way.
Accept the Good with the Bad. Life includes both joy and pain. To accept one and deny the other is hazardous to your mental health. No one who has ever lived has been entitled to or guaranteed a life free of emotional or physical pain. To paraphrase Marsha Linehan, the creator of DBT therapy, to refuse to accept normal (emotional) pain only intensifies the pain and turns it into genuine suffering. To accept your pain does not mean you approve of or enjoy it, just that you acknowledge the reality of its place in your life. The holidays are a time of celebration. Therefore, remember to celebrate the joys and honor the trials of life as well.
Stuff Your Feelings at Your Own Risk. Our feelings are a gift from God. They tell us when that we need to pay attention to something in our lives. Our feelings are legitimate. However, feelings are not the same as facts. To dwell on them for too long sets us up to misinterpret them and be controlled by them. When I was in graduate school, a classmate shared this piece of wisdom from her grandmother: “Depression is a good place to visit, but you don’t want to build your house there”. To stay too long in pain can open the door to self-pity and resentment.
Sometimes we have to experience painful feelings related to the loss of a job, the end of a relationship, or the death of a loved one during the Christmas season. For example, it is okay to feel the grief and loss of a loved one, but be intentional to remember and honor the joy and love the deceased brought to your life. Joy and grief can reside in the same heart at the same time. That is both a mystery and a reality of life.
No Man is an Island. It is important to reach out to others in the midst of our grief. To ask for help is a sign of humility and courage. It takes a lot of courage to walk into a therapist’s office to talk about your problems. That is why it is an honor to do this work. Sometimes just talking about a problem (getting it “out of your head”) can be enough. Sometimes a problem requires more work. Talking with someone else can expose the blind spots in our thinking, as well as give us a fresh perspective.
Holiday Traditions are not Legal Obligations. Sometimes traditions are meant to be changed put on the shelf for a time. If you don’t have the time or the energy to decorate your house like Martha Stewart as you have in the past, then don’t do it. Just do what you can. Set healthy boundaries for your holiday activities. Have a Plan B ready in case you get overwhelmed. Take particular care of yourself during times of emotional stress. Find new ways to honor loved ones. One of the most effective ways to deal with pain is to do something for someone else. Donate time at a homeless shelter, take a meal to someone who is homebound, donate the money you would have spent on gifts to a local food bank or other charity. Taking your eyes off of yourself and helping someone else in need is very therapeutic.
Lastly, Let me say this; I understand that it is far easier to dispense advice than to follow it, especially when every fiber of your being is telling you to stay where you are. Remember that feelings are not the same as facts, but our feelings should be based on the facts. Everyone grieves their pain differently. The important thing is to be open to feeling the pain of your loss honestly. Don’t run from it, but try not to marinate in it either. When you realize you are feeling sorry for yourself, do something to improve your mood and change your mindset. Pray, journal about your feelings, express gratitude for something that is a blessing in your life, no matter how small it may seem.
In the eleventh chapter of John, Jesus wept when he saw Mary grieving the death of her brother Lazarus. He knew the miracle that was about to perform, yet Jesus was still present with her in her pain and shared in her tears. Even though we may not see God’s purpose in our suffering, we can rest assured that He is present with us in our grief; yet God can also rejoice because He can see the end of the story, where God’s will is fulfilled and He is glorified. Joy and grief can indeed reside in the same heart. He created us for that. May you have a blessed, Merry Christmas!
– Scott Smith
Thank you for taking the time to read this posting. There is so much more that could have been written on this topic. If I can be of any further help to you please email me at [email protected] .
