Marriage, in its purest form, is a lifelong, covenant relationship between one man, one woman, and God. It is meant to be a loving, intimate, and selfless relationship that involves spiritual, emotional, and physical closeness. The Bible describes marriage as having many purposes, including companionship, unity, mutual support, serving God, bringing children into the world, and sustaining the stewardship of the earth. The Bible also teaches that marriage is an earthly representation of a heavenly relationship, and that husbands and wives should love each other selflessly as an example of Christ’s love for his church. But what happens when fallen world hurts and disappointments overshadow God’s intended plan for marriage, and what we once experienced at the beginning of the marriage, is a long distant memory?
This year, the SureHope team is focusing on lament as a topic. You can go back and read many great articles on what lamenting is and how it can impact your life; how to lament through a divorce, infertility and pregnancy loss, as well as finding restoration after sexual sin. This article will focus on a topic we often do not think would be something we could or should lament – marriage.
Throughout my professional years as a licensed marriage and family therapist, I have seen many couples come in facing many trials from communication issues to intimacy barriers, affairs to lack of attraction. One thing all of these couples have in common is an unmet or broken expectation that leads to disappointment, resentment, hurt and fractured hope and trust.
These moments instill in us a self preservation need to pray that our partner changes, that their behavior and heart would change to make our lives better or easier. I would challenge it is both a need for repentance for the spouse, and also a need for the hurt spouse to humble themselves and soften toward their partner and God for restoration. Remember, your enemy is not your spouse, but the “principalities, powers, the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places” (Ephesians 4:12). Unmet needs from your spouse can cause you to lose focus on who the true enemy is. However, it is also not helpful nor healthy to minimize the experience of betrayal, unmet needs and expectations and the hurt they cause. This is where lamenting can be a helpful practice and shift our perspective.
When in this cycle, it is also a common practice to complain or vent to others about the state of the marriage and spouse. Lamenting can take the place of complaining and venting, which can often lead to sin. Lamenting and complaining are both ways of expressing feelings, but they differ in their context, purpose, and tone. Lamenting expresses grief, sadness, or suffering, often in the context of a relationship with God. Lamenting can involve naming complaints, asking questions, and imagining how God might see you. Lamenters may believe that God will notice them and offer help if they share their feelings. Lamenting can be a way to process pain, anger, and sorrow, and to renew confidence in God. Complaining expresses feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, or resentment, often about what the speaker wants to be different in the world. Complainers may believe that if they make enough noise, someone will notice them and fix the situation. Complaining can be an expression of powerlessness, or a way to pass judgment on God.
By no means does this mean we cannot share our struggles with trusted and safe loved ones or mentors. However, I would urge that this be the second step in your fight for your marriage, and lamenting be the first. A good psalm to start with is Psalm 42, and below is a written out prayer utilizing this Psalm to lament to the Lord constructed by Pastor Rich Bitterman.
Heavenly Father,
In the depths of my soul, I yearn for Your presence like a deer longs for streams of water. My heart thirsts for You, the living God. “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.”
In moments of darkness and despair, I turn to You, knowing that You alone can satisfy the longing of my soul. “My tears have been my food day and night, while people say to me all day long, ‘Where is your God?’”
Yet, even in the midst of my struggles, I cling to Your promises and find hope in Your unfailing love. “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
Help me to trust in Your faithfulness, even when circumstances seem bleak. “By day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.”
Guide me by Your Spirit and lead me in paths of righteousness, that I may find joy and peace in Your presence. “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
In the midst of trials and tribulations, may Your light shine brightly, illuminating the way before me. “Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.”
Thank You, Lord, for Your faithfulness and steadfast love that never fails. May my soul find rest in You alone, knowing that You are my rock and my salvation. “Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”
In Jesus’ name, I pray,
Amen.
I hope and pray that you can find hope, peace, restoration, and fulfillment, by bringing the pain from your marriage to the One that created it.
-Callie Gross, MA, LMFT, CTP – learn more about working with Callie here!
