Family of origin wounds are a result of unmet emotional needs, neglect, or harmful patterns that exist within the family unit. In response to these experiences, children may develop coping mechanisms that can continue into adulthood, affecting their interactions and emotional well-being. One such coping mechanism is parentification, also known as the “Caretaker” role.
How many of you like to create order out of chaos in your family? Or perhaps you felt the need to do so as a child. Often, when families are marked by dysfunction, children will adopt the role of a caretaker or parent to maintain some sense of order and connection. In doing so, the child begins to assume responsibilities far beyond their years to support and protect family members, which can foster a sense of competence and reliability but usually leads to the neglect of their emotional and developmental needs.
One will often see this caretaker role emerge in response to family dynamics which are lacking harmony. The emotional connection is either inconsistent, conditional, or altogether absent. Sometimes children acquire the caretaker role because of a parent’s mental illness, addiction, or emotional immaturity, and this is termed parentification. To avoid abandonment or rejection, children learn to equate love with being helpful or emotionally attuned to their parents’ needs. Caretaker roles can also stem from cultural or intergenerational messages in which case the behaviors are idealized and passed down through many generations. Children who witness continuous chaos, violence, or emotional rupture within the family may have a trauma response resulting in caretaking behaviors as self-protection.
So, how does parentification or caretaking manifest itself in the lives of those affected? One way is that caretakers struggle to set boundaries, often putting the needs of others before their own. They also tend to over-function in relationships, taking on more than the required load of responsibilities which can lead to burnout. Caretakers are typically attracted to relationships with partners who are emotionally unavailable in which they tend to give much more than they receive. Because they are constantly focused on the welfare of others, caretakers experience chronic exhaustion or resentment, lacking self-care practices and personal growth opportunities. If you try to offer support to a caregiver, they will usually find it very uncomfortable accepting your help because their identity is tied to being the giver.
As you were reading, I’m wondering if you are thinking about that relative, friend, or colleague that exhibits these characteristics. Unfortunately, the caretaker role persists in adulthood and subtly influences how individuals view themselves, interact with others, and how they approach personal and professional relationships. My mother was only 7 years old when her father died of a heart attack. They lived in Washington, D.C. and she told joyous stories about playing with her brother on the steps of the capital. But life changed in an instant. Her mother moved Mom and her brother to Miami, FL a few short weeks later and went back to work as a nurse leaving my mom to tend to her younger brother and care for their home. For as long as I can remember, my mom took care of my 3 siblings and me, my grandmother, my two great aunts, and my dad as he got older and his health was failing, rarely doing anything to care for herself. When I offered to help her, it felt like I had somehow offended her. When giving her a gift, it was constantly met with “You did not need to do that.” She thrived in her sense of competence, but I find myself grieving the idea that so much of her life was shaped by obligation rather than authenticity.
Thankfully, there are steps that can bring healing to the emotional wounds of a Caretaker. Therapy often offers a safe space to process old wounds, grieve, and step into a new way of living. Caretakers must first identify their role by exploring their family history and emotional patterns. Next, they can question and challenge the beliefs that reinforce this role. Learning to set and maintain boundaries, viewing self-care as necessary and not selfish, and believing they are still worthy of love even if they say “No” will aid in the healing process. In addition to all of these steps, sometimes we need divine encouragement from the scriptures to remind us of God’s presence during change (James 1:17), the transformation He brings to our hearts (2 Cor 5:17, Phil 1:6), and the reassurance that He’s in control, even when we’re not (Isaiah 55:8-9, Psalm 73:26). The song Graves into Gardens declares the victory that can be experienced with Christ:
You turn mourning to dancing
You give beauty for ashes
You turn shame into glory
You’re the only one who can
You turn graves into gardens
You turn bones into armies
You turn seas into highways
You’re the only one who can
Whether it’s parentification or another child of origin wound you are dealing with, it is my prayer that you will allow God’s transformative power to work through you as you take the necessary steps toward healing.
Blessings,
Pamela Adkins – learn more about working with Pamela here!
Leave a Reply