Jay Stringer argues that deprivation, dissociation, unconscious arousal, futility, lust, and anger align together to create a perpetual cycle of unwanted sexual behavior. He continues to remark that any one of these experiences on their own would not be enough to create the temptation to go after porn, or even extra-marital affairs, hook-ups, visiting strip clubs, etc. The motivational force to pursue these sexual acts is derived from the collective power of all six experiences (Stringer, Jay. Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, 86). I find this perspective very appealing. Yet I would add that futility underlies all these above -mentioned experiences.
When we talk about futility we are talking about a lack of purpose or meaning. This is an area of our lives that I believe can be widely overlooked yet vastly important. Created in God’s image we have the unique capacity and desire to live a life of meaning. Viktor Frankl the founder of Logotherapy (therapy through meaning) placed his theory on the foundation of three principles: Freedom of the will, the will to meaning, and the meaning of life. In other words, we have the ability and responsibility to choose to live a life of meaning, we have a desire to live a meaningful life and there is a meaningful life available, waiting to be discovered by each of us.
Simply put, if living with purpose/meaning is uniquely human and we are for some reason lacking purpose wouldn’t this compromise our self-identity at a core level? In other words, we are not expressing or experiencing our full humanity in the absence of a meaningful life. This will be felt and is one reason why we become emotionally as well as spiritually distraught. Going back to Stringer’s core experiences, it would make sense that if you cannot see true value in your relationships, or your work that you would experience deprivation. This could easily lead to wanting to get your mind off things much preferring the world of fantasy (sexual behaviors, dissociation) versus reality, going towards things that have historically turned you on (unconscious arousal) for some relief (at least for the moment). When it comes to lust and anger, Stringer winsomely points out lust is indicative of a desire for a good thing (something valuable/meaningful) and anger points specifically to a longing for justice and restoration (p.101). The problem, he continues, is that sin hijacks the whole thing and lust is therefore demanding while anger is about entitlement, contempt or control.
But what do I mean by meaning? And how do you discover it? If we stay with Frankl, he defines meaning as the manifestation of values that present themselves to be fulfilled in any life circumstance (The Doctor and the Soul, 43). Some examples of values include things like fellowship, family, equality, service, courage and love. Further, Viktor Frankl provides three broad categories where we can orient ourselves to discovering and realizing these values. They are in our creativity (our gifts and talents, what we have to offer the world), our experiences (our relationships with God, self, others and nature), and our attitude (how we take a stand against unchangeable difficult situations).
Long before Frankl formalized his theory, God through His inspired Word has been calling us to live a meaningful life. The Apostle Paul to the Ephesians implores them, “. . .to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called” (Eph.4:1). He continues in the same chapter to exhort them to manifest the experiential/relational values of humility, gentleness, patience, tolerance and unity (v.2). Paul teaches them that each one of them has been given a gift from Christ (creative values) to equip them for serving one another in the Church (v.4-12). When it comes to attitudinal values, the Apostle Peter encourages those who are suffering to rejoice in their suffering bearing in mind the imperishable priceless gift of their inheritance through salvation in Christ (1Ptr.1:3-9). This is a small sampling of a great many references in the Bible that promises a life filled with meaning and purpose.
It is important to note that discovering a life filled with meaning does not guarantee a life of pleasure. Frankl and I would argue Scripture does not see pleasure as a primary goal. However, pleasure often accompanies a purposeful life as for example serving others with your gifts can feel good. The problem with pleasure in itself is that there is no reason for pleasure. We are not talking on a physiological plane but on a moral one. If pleasure was the highest value, the greatest motivator than anything a person decided got them to this goal could potentially be justified. As Viktor Frankl aptly states, “For the same situation which in one person may arouse sympathy may stimulate a sadistic malicious joy in another, who gloats over someone’s misfortune and in this manner experiences positive pleasure. If it were true that, for example, we read a good book only for the sake of the pleasurable sensation we feel during the reading , we might with equal justification spend our money on good cake” (The Doctor and the Soul, 36).
I would venture to say that if you struggle with pornography, you have experienced the vicious cycle of pleasure followed by emptiness. I submit to you that a major contributor to this is the lack of a reason for the pleasure. In the absence of what makes a relationship valuable, in the absence of a life of meaning outside the world of fantasy emotional and spiritual (not too mention physical) distress seems inevitable. I am convinced that you have a life of meaning available to you, that you have great potential and great worth. Sometimes you need someone to come alongside and help you to see what you cannot see on your own. Should you choose to seek help in discovering where this life is for you we are here to help.
-Ken Grano, MDiv, CFBPPC – learn more about working with Ken here!
