Is there a “black sheep” in your family? One that’s not so much like the others, whether in personality, temperament, or even physically? Many families will deny the existence of a “black sheep,” often because the presence of a black sheep requires the balance of its counterpart, “The Favorite.” But there are deep wounds that come with playing favorites with siblings in a family, that no joke or silly idiom will ever truly make light of.
How might favoritism develop in a family? Consider the many factors that come into play: does a parent’s personality and interests mesh more easily with one child? Does one child exhibit difficult-to-manage behaviors that make attachment bonding feel unattainable? Is one child a higher achiever, or perhaps is there a more obvious match-up in love languages between one parent and child over another? The list could go on and on, and it can turn into praising one child more than another, comparing siblings, more patience with one child, and even subtle interactions like tone of voice in communication that are not balanced.
A study suggested that 40% of Americans raised with siblings reported their belief that their parents did indeed have a “favorite” child. This percentage changes very little from one generation to the next, and this favoritism is usually unintentional. Naturally, parents may be more similar to one or another of their children, but when it comes to playing favorites, families enter a more emotionally dangerous territory, unintentional or not.
There are several pertinent examples of this in the Bible: Abraham favored Isaac over Ishmael, and Isaac favored Esau over Jacob. In Genesis 37:3-4, we learn that Jacob then loved his son Joseph more than any of his other sons. Remember that coat of many colors? The result was intense jealousy and hatred directed at Joseph from his brothers, who tried to sell and kill him. What is the common thread here? This sibling favoritism became a generational pattern, dragging along with it division, deceit, dysfunction, resentment, anger, and injustice. Ultimately, in each of these situations, the Lord used favoritism for the ultimate redemptive good of Israel and for His own glory, but there was a cost to this sin, and we can look at how this may play out psychologically in families today.
The impact of favoritism in a family can result in these psychological and relational wounds:
- Significant sibling rivalry that extends into adulthood
- Deep-seated identity problems
- Decreased self-esteem and confidence (e.g. difficulty performing academically or in their career)
- Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships (e.g. fear of abandonment, trust issues)
- Loneliness, leading to anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues
Questions that might arise for a child who was not the favorite may be: Am I worthy of unconditional love? What must I do to earn affection? Am I valuable to others? Am I forgivable? Do my flaws make me inherently unlikable? Do I belong?
Questions that might arise for a child who was the favorite may be: Does my value come from my performance/success? Must I forgive or extend grace to others who are not like me?
If you are someone who is dealing with the deep wound of being the “black sheep” of the family, be encouraged by these truths today:
- God’s love and saving grace is offered to you freely, and it does not have to be earned. You are loved, even with your flaws. (Ephesians 2:8-9; Romans 3:24; Romans 5:7-8)
- You are made in the image of God, which means you are valued and renewed just as you are. (Genesis 1:27; Colossians 3:10; Psalm 8:4-6)
- God cares about the smallest details about you. (Psalm 139; Matthew 10:30)
- God DELIGHTS in you! (Zephaniah 3:17; Psalm 18:19; Psalm 149:4)
- Nothing – not one thing – can stop God’s love for you (Romans 8:31-39; Psalm 36:5-7; Isaiah 54:10)
- God does not show partiality; He sees your heart, and all are offered the same gifts. (Romans 2:11-29; Galatians 3:28-29)
I encourage you to explore the ways that favoritism in your childhood may be impacting you today, and feel the freedom to grieve this and also be reminded of the truths about your identity. And while we’re here, let’s also work to break the cycle of partiality in future generations so that we can grow in true, healthy relationships, love, and encouragement of one another.
If you are a parent, here are things to consider with your children:
- Do you praise one child more than another?
- Does one child get significantly different consequences and harsher discipline than another?
- How does your tone of voice with each of your child communicate to them their value to you?
- Do your own childhood wounds impact how you see your children?
You deserve to know your value and worth through the eyes of your family, but if you’re struggling with that today, be reminded of the treasure you are to the One who made you.
-Mary Shea – learn more about working with Mary here!
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