Healing from Being Parentified

Perhaps you have heard the term “parentified”, and by hearing it, you may be able to draw some conclusions of what it is. However, many people do not understand the lasting impact this can have and may also not know how to heal. Let’s first begin with defining what being parentified is, and then go into how healing from being parentified is possible.

Being parentified as a child refers to a situation where a child is forced to take on adult responsibilities, often caring for siblings or managing household tasks that are typically the responsibility of a parent. This can have a variety of emotional, psychological, and relational effects on a child, both in the short term and long term. Below are some key effects that you may have experienced in childhood and may be experiencing now as an adult if you went through parentification.

Emotional Strain

• Anxiety and Stress – Children who are parentified may experience significant anxiety due to the pressures of managing responsibilities that exceed their developmental capacity.
• Feelings of Guilt and Shame – These children may feel guilty or ashamed when they cannot meet the expectations placed on them, believing they are responsible for keeping the family together or solving problems.
• Difficulty in Managing Emotions – Parentified children often have to suppress their own emotions to take care of others, which can lead to difficulties in recognizing, expressing, and processing their feelings.

Loss of Childhood

• Limited Play and Socialization – Parentified children may miss out on typical childhood experiences, such as play, friendships, and time for self-discovery. This can hinder their ability to develop a healthy sense of identity and enjoy carefree moments.
• Forced Maturity – Because they are expected to act older than their years, they may skip important stages of emotional and psychological development, often leading to issues in forming healthy peer relationships later in life.

Impaired Self-Worth and Identity

• Low Self-Esteem – When a child takes on an adult role, their self-worth may become linked to their ability to take care of others, leading to feelings of inadequacy if they fail to meet those high expectations.
• Role Confusion – Parentified children may struggle with understanding their role in relationships, especially in adulthood, as they may feel responsible for others’ emotional well-being, often at the expense of their own needs.

Difficulty with Boundaries

• Over-involvement in Others’ Lives – Parentified children may struggle with establishing healthy boundaries in relationships as adults, often taking on the role of caretaker or mediator in family or romantic relationships, even when it’s inappropriate.
• Over-responsibility – They may feel a constant need to “fix” or help others, even when it’s not their responsibility, leading to burnout and resentment.

Mental Health Issues

• Depression – The emotional strain, lack of support, and overwhelming responsibilities can lead to chronic feelings of sadness or hopelessness.
• Difficulty Trusting Others – Parentified children often have a hard time trusting others to take care of them because they have learned to take care of themselves and others from an early age.
• Co-dependency – They may develop co-dependent behaviors, relying on their need to care for others as a way to feel valued or needed.

Relationship Challenges

• Trouble with Intimacy – A lack of healthy emotional development can affect their ability to form secure, balanced relationships with others as they may struggle to balance their needs with the needs of others.
• Strained Family Dynamics – Parentified children often feel disconnected or resentful towards their parents or family members for placing such burdens on them, leading to conflicts or strained family relationships in the future.

Challenges in Adult Life

• Perfectionism and Overachievement – As adults, they may develop perfectionistic tendencies and overachieving behaviors as a way to compensate for the emotional neglect they experienced.
• Difficulty Asking for Help – Due to their history of having to manage things on their own, parentified adults may find it difficult to ask for help or express vulnerability in adulthood.

If you resonate with any of these, healing is possible and these perpetual patterns do not have to continue. Healing from the wounds of being parentified can be a challenging but deeply transformative process. It involves reclaiming your sense of self, learning to set boundaries, and addressing the emotional, psychological, and relational impacts of growing up too quickly. 

Here are some steps to help in the healing journey:

Acknowledge and Validate Your Experience

• Recognize the Impact – Accept that being parentified has shaped who you are, but it doesn’t have to define you forever. It’s important to acknowledge the pain, confusion, and unfairness you may have felt.
• Validate Your Emotions –  Understand that any feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, or resentment toward your childhood experience are valid. It’s normal to feel hurt from being placed in a role that was not meant for a child.

Establish and Enforce Boundaries

• Identify Boundaries – One of the most important things you can do is learn how to set boundaries. This means knowing what you are and are not willing to tolerate in your relationships, both with family and others.
• Practice Saying “No” – Parentified individuals often struggle with saying “no” because they are accustomed to taking care of others. Practicing the ability to say no and prioritize your own needs is an essential part of healing.
• Recognize Enabling Behaviors – You may need to examine how you may still take on parental or caretaking roles in your adult relationships. Healing means recognizing these patterns and shifting them to foster healthier dynamics.

Reclaim Your Childhood

• Give Yourself Permission to Be a Child (Again) – Parentified children often lose out on having a carefree childhood. Reclaiming this can involve finding ways to “play” or engage in activities you may have missed—whether it’s hobbies, creativity, or just spending time with peers in a fun, non-responsible way.
• Make Time for Fun – Engage in activities that bring you joy without the burden of responsibility. Play, explore, and have experiences that allow you to experience life as an adult without taking on caretaking roles.

Build a Support Network

• Find Supportive Relationships – Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and support you emotionally. This could be friends, romantic partners, or a supportive community that allows you to express your vulnerabilities and needs.
• Seek Mentorship – A healthy mentor, coach, pastor, or therapist can provide guidance, help you develop self-worth, and model healthier relationships.
• Join Support Groups – Connecting with others who have experienced similar challenges can help you feel less alone. 

Learn to Prioritize Yourself

• Self-Care Practices – Engage in self-care activities that nourish your mind, body, and spirit. Whether it’s practicing mindfulness, exercising, journaling, or meditating, make time for activities that help you connect to yourself and center your needs.
• Release the “Rescue” Mentality – One of the core issues for parentified children is the sense that you need to “fix” or “rescue” others. Part of healing involves letting go of that responsibility and focusing on your own emotional and physical needs first.
• Let Go of Perfectionism – Parentified children often develop perfectionistic tendencies as they try to meet the impossible expectations placed on them. Learning to let go of perfectionism and embrace your flaws is an important step in self-acceptance.

 Heal the Inner Child

• Inner Child Work – This involves connecting with the part of yourself that was hurt and neglected as a child. You can do this through therapy or self-reflection, addressing the wounds of your inner child, and offering it the love, care, and nurturing that was missing.
• Affirmations and Self-Talk – Practice affirming your worth, safety, and permission to be yourself. Challenging the negative self-talk that may have developed during your childhood is a key part of healing.
• For more insights, see my colleague’s post about healing inner child wounds.

Rediscover Your Own Identity

• Explore Your Passions and Interests – Parentified children often lose sight of their own interests because their focus is on others. Take the time to explore what you love, what excites you, and what makes you feel fulfilled.
• Develop a Sense of Self-Worth Independent of Others – Recognize that your value isn’t tied to how much you do for others or how well you perform in caretaking roles. Rebuild your sense of self outside of the “parentified” role you had to adopt.

 Patience and Self-Compassion

• Be Gentle with Yourself – Healing from parentification takes time. Be patient and gentle with yourself as you learn to unlearn old patterns and embrace new ways of living. Healing isn’t linear, and you may face setbacks, but that’s all part of the process.
• Celebrate Small Wins – Celebrate each step toward healing, no matter how small. Acknowledging your progress helps reinforce that you are moving toward a healthier and more balanced life.

Forgiveness 

• Forgive Yourself – Many parentified children feel responsible for the emotional health or well-being of their parents or siblings. Part of healing is understanding that you were a child, and it was never your job to “save” anyone. Offering forgiveness to yourself for any perceived failures or burdens is vital.
• Forgive Your Parents (if possible) – This doesn’t mean excusing their behavior but rather letting go of the resentment and pain to free yourself from its hold on your life. It may take time, and it’s important to seek guidance through therapy if this process feels too heavy.

Seek Therapy or Counseling

• Professional Support – Therapy, particularly trauma-informed therapy, can help you process the emotional and psychological impact of parentification. A therapist can guide you through unlearning harmful patterns and help you develop healthier behaviors.
• Work on Attachment and Trust – If your parentification experience involved emotional neglect or a lack of care from primary caregivers, therapy can help you rebuild trust in others and develop healthy attachment patterns.
• Learn Self-Compassion: Many parentified children internalize negative messages about their worth or ability to be loved. Therapy can help you develop self-compassion and challenge these beliefs.

Healing from parentification is a process that takes time, effort, and support. By validating your experience, seeking therapy, and focusing on your own growth and well-being, you can heal the emotional wounds and reclaim a sense of self that was overshadowed by childhood responsibilities. 

A potential extension of the parentified wound is a distorted view of God. If a child grows up feeling responsible for everything, they might see God as distant or untrustworthy, believing they must carry all burdens alone. Trusting God can be hard for someone who was always in control in the past. They may struggle to believe God will truly take care of them. Over-responsibility in childhood can lead to feeling exhausted in adulthood, even in spiritual life. They might approach faith as another “duty” rather than a source of grace. If their needs were often ignored, they may struggle to accept God’s love freely, feeling they must earn it.

But there is hope even in this experience. You can find rest in God’s care, meditating on verses that invite us to place our burdens on Him, find comfort in a faith community and prayer, fostering genuine support, remember your identity is in Him, and not in what you do, and ultimately begin the process of trust and surrender.

If you resonate with the information in this blog, reach out to us at SureHope and we can help you explore and begin the process of healing from being parentified.

Callie Gross, MA, LMFT, CTP – learn more about working with Callie here!