For some, reflecting on the past seems like a waste of time. After all, that was then, this is now. The present is what matters and what can be done now. What is done is done, time to move on. Well, you may be done with the past but what if the past is not done with you? Often the choices we make, the way we feel, the way we think about ourselves or how we relate to others stem from our family of origin. Within our family of origin, we are presented with explicit and implicit messages about things such as emotions, expected roles to fulfill, what can and cannot be talked about, and how to view ourselves.
These messages tend to shape our inward and outward lens by which we see ourselves and others. Our relational experiences in our family of origin have the potential to produce healthy or harmful outcomes. When it is healthy you come out with a sense of security, confidence, willing to take risks anchored by a sold sense of who you are. When it is harmful (the focus of this current blog) there is a tendency to withdraw, lack trust, struggle with feelings of insecurity and suffer from an unawareness of who you are.
The emotional woundedness of going unnoticed, not being affirmed, overwhelmed with a stressful home environment, or abuse in your family of origin all have an effect that, when unaddressed, remains a powerful negative influence in your life. One way to explain how the past family of origin wounds affect you in the present is through the concept of the inner child. That term “inner child” may sound a bit too much like psychobabble but let me explain how this author views this idea.
While not an exhaustive explanation, for our purposes the inner child is a way to describe the nature of the emotional pain experienced in the formative years. If this pain has not been addressed, it gets buried below the surface leading one to never experience healing, growth or maturity in this area of life. As Dr. Capparucci explains, “Our Inner Child is representative of our subconscious emotional and mental pain” (Going Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction, 21). The inner child is formed by painful emotional experiences whereby development is thwarted. Since development ceases in specific areas of the persons’ life they are stuck here at the kid stage.
While Capparucci has sex addiction as his focal point I think his ideas can be informative for anyone in our understanding and addressing family of origin wounds. For example, let’s say you were not affirmed as a child growing up. In other words, you rarely or never heard from your parents that they were proud of you. No matter how hard you tried it never seemed good enough. And that’s the message you received. Whether that was said plainly to you (explicit) or implied, the message was clear: “You are not good enough”. If you hear that enough, “You are not good enough” becomes your self-narrative turning into, “I am not good enough”, “I don’t measure up”, etc. Furthermore, if no one gets to you in time to challenge that narrative it lingers and gains strength. You grow up with this shame narrative and while you become an adult there is this lingering kid (so to speak) who remains waiting to be alerted at moment’s notice to spring into action.
What would cause this kid to spring into action? Events in the present that pertain to not being affirmed. To illustrate, suppose a hardworking salesman just closed a deal with a client that put him above and beyond company expectations in terms of numbers of sales. He is brought into his supervisors’ office expecting to receive accolades for his success. Instead, his supervisor asks if he can work over the weekend making no mention of his ability as a deal closer. To make things worse, he compliments another sales representative. While this would be hurtful to anyone, many could cope with the disappointment and move forward.
However, this man finds himself stuck on this event. He ruminates over it the entire weekend and turns down an offer to socialize with friends. The kid is front and center dictating to the adult how he should think (not good enough, you need to do more, work harder, prove yourself) and what he should do (isolate, withdraw). Granted, he does not necessarily know why this is such a stronghold in his life, he probably cannot articulate the shame narrative that he is feeling but he feels it and decides to go into hiding.
Space does not permit a comprehensive way to address the inner child but these practical steps should provide some guidance. First, reflect on your past to get a better understanding of where you have been emotionally wounded. What was the nature of this pain? What message did you receive from your parents/caregivers? Think of present day events that may relate to the past as potentially triggering the inner child into action. What is similar? What is different? Imagine the child that springs into action. What are their fears? How are they trying to protect you? How could you comfort that child? What do they need to know? How do you want them to think and feel about themselves? What is best for them?
As I mentioned, some people do not want to revisit their past. Another reason for this is not wanting to blame their past for current behavior. This writer would agree that we cannot blame our past for how we live in the present. What we can do is understand the past’s influences on our present behavior to make better decisions. The inner child is one way to help us do this and to find healing and transformation at deeper levels.
-Ken Grano, MDiv., CFBPPC – learn more about working with Ken here!
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